


catra i swear tO GOD

by lovemepidge



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora is a dumb lesbian, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anime References, Bonding, Crack, Dirty Jokes, Disaster Gays, Eventual Catra/Adora, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Memes, Minor Adora/Glimmer (She-Ra), Pining, Platonic Bow and Glimmer (She-ra), Platonic Relationships, Sexual Humor, Slow Burn, Swearing, Texting, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Vines, catradora, chatfic, every fandom needs one, glimmer and catra dont like each other, glimmerdora, homphobia, i'll add tags as i go, lots of pining here boys, mostly crack and memes ngl, referenced homophobia, texting and messaging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2019-12-18 18:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18255062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemepidge/pseuds/lovemepidge
Summary: glitter sparklez: heh buttscatra: so youre a butt womancatra: a woman of culture, i seeglitter sparklez: says the one who has a crush on the person with the smallest ass at schoolcatra: i never said i liked you





	1. Chapter 1

Usernames so you guys don’t get confused  
a(dora): Adora  
glitter sparklez: Glimmer  
bow: Bow  
catra: Catra

a(dora) has added glitter sparklez, bow and catra to ‘disaster gays + 1 het’

a(dora): Sup hoes

glitter sparklez: Adora,,,why

catra: …

catra has left ‘disaster gays + 1 het’

bow has added catra to ‘disaster gays + 1 het’

bow: Come on Catra! Give it a chance!

catra: ….

catra: you know i cant fucking go against bow

a(dora): He’s our trump card

bow: :)

glitter sparklez: anyway, adora why did you make this

glitter sparklez: you know i love you but, what the fuck

a(dora): I was bored and I was hoping you and catra could finally become friends

a(dora): I can’t stand it when you guys are fighting, I just want all of us to get along

catra: but adooooooooooora

a(dora): No buts Catra

glitter sparklez: heh butts

catra: so youre a butt woman

catra: a woman of culture, i see

glitter sparklez: says the one who has a crush on the person with the smallest ass at school

catra: i never said i liked you

glitter sparklez: i-

a(dora): NICE ONE CATRA

glitter sparklez: why

bow: Nice comeback! Sorry Glimmer

glitter sparklez: even you too bow? I believed in you

catra: and just so you know, bex taylor-klaus does not have a small ass

catra: shes not thicc but she a cutie

a(dora): Bex taylor-klaus? Who’s that?

catra: you dont know her? Oh my god

a(dora): What?

catra: you are coming to my house immediately

catra: we are waTCHING THE WALKING DEAD

a(dora): Ok!

glitter sparklez: well thats one way to invite a girl over

catra: shut up you piece of glitter macoroni at a preschool kindergarten covered in pva glue and the greasy finger prints of 3 year olds

glitter sparklez: I-

glitter sparklez: I like that

catra: thank you i try

a(dora): you!! Are!!! Getting!!! Along!!!

glitter sparklez: feelings?

catra: disgusting, never going to happen again

glitter sparkelz: agreed

bow: aw

a(dora): Ok Catra open your fucking door I’ve been knocking for ages

glitter sparklez: yeah catra entertain your geusts

catra: shut up

catra: and adora the door is open

a(dora): Oh

catra: did you seriously not try to open the door

a(dora): …..No

bow: yes

a(dora): Why are your lights off

a(dora): Catra turn the light on i cant find the light switch

catra: Why? you’re the only light I wanna turn on ;)

a(dora): I can’t fucking see

glitter sparklez: target: lost

bow: Flirt: unsucessful

catra: i am too a flirt

catra: hey adora, are you my pinky toe?

a(dora): No, why?

catra: cause im gonna bang you on every piece of furniture in my house ;)

a(dora): Catra that’s abuse

glitter sparklez: that’s toe-tally hot

glitter sparklez: but Adora is too thick headed to know what you mean

a(dora): ?

catra: i am a useless lesbian glimmer let me live

glitter sparklez: catra do you even realise i can hear you when you’re screaming about hayley kiyoko at 3 in the morning while crying and eating cheese puffs did you really think i dont know that already

catra: do you mean lesbian jesus?

bow: do you ever just forget catra and glimmer are next door neighbours

glitter sparklez: its not my fault the only last cheap apartment near our highschool is next to catras

a(dora): I have secured Catra’s food

a(dora): I am satisfied

catra: GET OUT OF MY FOOD

a(dora): COME AND GET ME

glitter sparklez: ha gay

catra: ha jealous

bow: alright lesbians calm your hormones

bow: catra, don’t sleep with adora please she needs her rest and glimmer, quit being mean to catra, and adora you’re doing great sweetie

catra: I-

glitter sparklez: ok mum

a(dora): OK mum


	2. Chapter 2

Usernames so you guys don’t get confused  
a(dora): Adora  
glitter sparklez: Glimmer  
bow: Bow  
catra: Catra  
netossa: lesbian 1  
spineralla: lesbian 2

glitter sparklez: CATRA TURN YOUR MUSIC OFF

catra: FEEL THE WRATH OF HAYLEY KIYOKO

glitter sparklez: AHHH IT BURNS

a(dora): catra put your head phones in

catra: ok

glitter sparklez: WHY DO YOU ONLY LISTEN TO ADORA

catra: CAUSE ADORA IS NICE

bow: and because we love her

glitter sparklez: shit u rite

bow: and because catra loves her

a(dora): of course she does shes my best friend

catra: a d o r a

a(dora): What?

catra: nothing

a(dora): OK

catra: its just youre so oblivious sometimes

a(dora): Sorry

catra: theres no need to say sorry

catra: i just

catra: look i dont really wanna ruin our friendship but like i really wanna tap that ass

a(dora): ruin it

glitter sparklez: SKSKSKSKSSK A D O R A

bow: glimmer you owe me $20

glitter sparklez: fuck

bow: language!

glitter sparklez: no u

catra >>>>>> glitter sparklez

catra: adora is so cute

catra: shes too cute for this world

catra: so we should kill her

glitter sparklez: im down for it

glitter sparklez: she took the last gogurt 2 years ago so she had this coming

‘diasater gays + 1 het’

bow: did the chat just die on me orrr?

bow: :(

bow has added netossa and spineralla to ‘disaster gays + 1 het’

netossa: whats this?

bow: me and my friends group chat!

glitter sparklez: spineralla is in my math class

spineralla: hey glimmer!

glitter sparklez: my username gives me no cover

glitter sparklez: mY iDeNtITy iS bReAcHeD

glitter sparklez: rEtReAt

netossa has changed their name to ‘lesbian 1’

spineralla has changed their name to ‘lesbian 2’  
catra: HA GAY

catra: also adora glimmer is out to kill you

glitter sparklez: I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING IT TOGETHER YOU FURRY

a(dora): im not even mad

a(dora): im just glad you guys are cooperating

catra: i l o v e y o u

glitter sparklez: we all do you aint special

catra: rude

a(dora): anyway, did anybody write down the homework i was up late training last night and i fell asleep during the lessons Ezrxtcfyvgubhnjknjhbgytfrdesw

glitter sparklez: i know, you fell asleep on my shoulder and drooled

bow: we have a four page report on history class about someone who changed history thats on like page,,,,,123??? On our textbooks and for music we have to find a song that relates to our life at school so far and a piece of writing for english about our favourite person. 

bow: all due on friday

a(dora): THANK YOU BOW

bow: you’re welcome!

Lesbian 1: bow is a saviour

glitter sparklez: he is our LORD and SAVIOUR

catra: agreed

a(dora): agreed

Lesbian 2: agreed

bow: aw thanks guys

bow: i feel so loved

catra: you should

bow: :D


	3. Chapter 3

Usernames so you guys don’t get confused  
a(dora): Adora  
glitter sparklez: Glimmer  
bow: Bow  
furry: Catra  
netossa: lesbian 1  
spineralla: lesbian 2  
Perfume: perfuma  
pidge: Entrapta  
Elsa: frosta

catra changed her name to furry

furry: at this point im just embracing it

furry: also our teacher is a cunt

glimmer: what did she do this time

furry: i burped and she told me that it wasnt lady like

a(dora): and then you proceded to burp the alphabet and then afterwards flipped the bird

Lesbian 2: wow what a queen

furry: thank you lesbian

Lesbian 2: you’re welcome, lesbian

a(dora): since when was catra a lesbian?

glitter sparklez: …

glitter sparklez: BOI

a(dora): ?

furry: MoViNg oN

furry: im on a bunch of porn sites and im writing in the comments “Why are you doing this? Your father and I are so worried. Please come home.” in every video i find

glitter sparklez: oH mY fUcKiNG goD i loVe you CatrA

Lesbian 2: oh my god thats genius

a(dora): imagine the porn stars looking at it like “What the heck?”

furry >>>>>> glitter sparklez

furry: shes doesnt even want to swear thats so cute qaewsrdtfyguhg

‘disaster gays + 1 het’

Lesbian 2: skskskskksksksk

bow: hey guys wanna see the new single im gonna drop?

glitter sparklez: …

furry: …

a(dora): …

Lesbian 1: …

Lesbian 2: …

bow: *falls to the floor* 

bow: its me

bow: im single

a(dora): omg! Did you and perfuma break up?

bow: ye, we agreed to just be friends

bow: actually, can i add her to this?

glitter sparklez: OF COURSE YOU CAN BOW ALSO WE ALL LOVE YOU 

bow has added perfume to ‘disaster gays + 1 het’

Perfume: judging from the title, this does not look good

furry: yeah youre right

Perfume: hey catra!

glitter sparklez: hey perfume, welcome to hell

Perfume: hello glimmer!

 

bow: hey perfuma!!

Perfume: hello bow!

Perfume: and netossa and spineralla!

Lesbian 1: dont mind us lurkers

Lesbian 2: lmao

furry: hey lesbians, whats that typical straight guy thing u do that u pull off way better than any guy? Mine is sitting with my legs far apart and sleeping in boxers

Lesbian 2: loving and caring for women

a(dora): hello 911, i just witnessed a murder

glitter sparklez: but we all agree that bow is an exception right? If you dont dont ever talk to me again

Lesbian 1: of course we all love bow 

Lesbian 2: I LOVE YOU BITCH

bow: i feel so loved uwu

Perfume: even if we’re not dating anymore, i still love you uwu

bow: uwu

a(dora): pure

furry: not as pure as you

glitter sparklez: wow thats gay

furry: god glimmer let me flirt in peace

glitter sparklez: no

furry: fine, ill bring in your worst enemy

glitter sparklez: bring it on

furry has added elsa to ‘disaster gays + 1 het’

Elsa: whats this?

glitter sparklez: WHY DID YOU ADD HER

Elsa: glimmer? What is this?

Lesbian 1: whos this?

a(dora): glimmers adopted little sister

Lesbian 1: oh no

Elsa: whats that supposed to mean?!

Lesbian 1: how old are you?

Elsa: 11, but ill be turning 12 soon!

Lesbian 1: oh no


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow i cant believe i predicted frosta being glimmers little sister asdhdg

Usernames so you guys don’t get confused  
a(dora): Adora  
glitter sparklez: Glimmer  
bow: Bow  
furry: Catra  
netossa: lesbian 1  
spineralla: lesbian 2  
Perfume: perfuma  
pidge: Entrapta  
Elsa: frosta

furry: do people realize by not starting gay weddings with “queerly beloved” then they are missing a great opputunity

glitter sparklez: “Queerly beloved, we are gathered here togay,”

furry: me and adoras wedding

bow: thats gay

furry: exactly

Elsa: I’m so confused????

glitter sparklez: shit i forgot you were here

Elsa: im literally in your living room

Elsa: you forgot i was staying over???

Elsa: AND IM TELLING MOM YOU SWORE

glitter sparklez: WAIT NO

 

glitter sparklez deleted one message

glitter sparklez: HAHA

Elsa: I ALREADY TOOK A SCREENSHOT

glitter sparklez: IM GOING TO KILL YOU

catra: they’re fighting outside my room what do i do

a(dora): You could come over to my apartment if you need to

catra: IM COMING OVER

Perfume: catra, have you finished your english assignment?

catra: ……

Perfume: catra?

catra: ….no

Perfume: adora can you make sure she does the assignment?

a(dora): Sure

catra: but adooooooraaaaa

a(dora): no buts, youre doing your homework

catra: why cant we just binge watch Voltron instead?

catra: MY WIFE PLAYS PIDGE I CANT NOT WATCH IT

a(dora): HOMEWORK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PIDGE

catra: NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PIDGE

Perfume: bow just called me saying that his arms are stuck in pringle tubes

Lesbian 1: both hands?

Perfume: yes

Lesbian 2: how did he dial the number?

Perfume: its not important, someone just go help him im busy

Pidge: I CAN HELP WITH THAT

catra: my wife? Is that you?

Pidge: hi catra! Its entrapta!

catra: nevermind 

a(dora): when did you get added?

Pidge: oh no i hacked into it

Pidge: how dare you all not add me

Perfume: …

Lesbian 1: …

Lesbian 2: …

catra: …

a(dora): …

bow: …

glitter sparklez: …

Elsa: …

Elsa: wait how did bow type that

glitter sparklez: idk how are you not dEAD-

Elsa: HELP SHESY AFTERIB ME AGAINOPO

a(dora): wow rip


	5. Chapter 5

Usernames so you guys don’t get confused  
a(dora): Adora  
glitter sparklez: Glimmer  
bow: Bow  
furry: Catra  
lesbian 1: netossa  
lesbian 2: spineralla  
Perfume: perfuma  
pidge: Entrapta  
Elsa: frosta  
Kyle: kyle

bow: so glimmer, 

bow: i saw you hanging out with frosta the other day

glitter sparklez: bow its not what you think! Its not what it looks like!

bow: oh really? 

bow: No reason for me to be jealous?

glitter sparklez: No Bow, you’re the only one for me!

bow: is that so?

glitter sparklez: i swear to god, me and frosta are just sisters!

bow: so there is no best friend feelings involved?

glitter sparklez: you are still my one and only best friend! I love Frosta and she is just my younger sister that I have to take care of sometimes!

bow: but im still the platonic love of your life right?

glitter sparklez: of course bro

bow: bro

furry: what the fuck

a(dora): let them finish

furry: no im pissed rn and have no time for their daily bs

furry: love is dead and never existed. All he did was betray me as i lay sick and festering. He is the definition of dread. 

a(dora): are you okay?

furry: my cat stole my fucking pizza roll and my duolingo notifications are blowing up my phone

Lesbian 2: duolingo bird: spanish or vanish

Lesbian 1: *snaps fingers*

Pidge: the duolingo bird is thanos, i knew it!

a(dora): just do your spanish homework and it will go away

furry: no

furry: and i havent since two years ago

pidge: what the fuck?

furry: im stubborn

a(dora): catra do your homework

furry: no

a(dora): yes

furry: no

a(dora): yes

furry: yes

a(dora): ok, now do it

furry: goddamnit, reverse phycoligly never works

Pidge: ive proved that theory many times! Ive also told you many times!

furry: and i have ignored you many times

a(dora): best friend squad, we need a plan to get catra to do her homework

furry: im literally in this chat

glitter sparklez: i have an idea

a(dora): we’re not going to murder anyone

glitter sparklez: i dont have any ideas

bow: no but maybe the duolingo bird will

glitter sparklez: sToP

furry: bow i believed in you

bow: dont stop believing

Perfume: HOLD ONTO THAT FEEEEEELINGGGG

Lesbian 1: dont get her started bow

Perfume: but i know all the lyrics!

furry: so does adora

a(dora): catra DONT

furry: it was her favourite song when we were like 12

a(dora): i fEeL aTtAcKeD

furry: do you want me to tell them about your horse girl phase?

a(dora): DONT YOU DARE

glitter sparklez: WAIT YOU HAD A HORSE GIRL PHASE

glitter sparklez: OMG 

Lesbian 2: TELL

pidge: PLEASE TELL ME

 

pidge: ….its for science

a(dora) has gone offline

Perfume: all in favor for blaming it on kyle?

Lesbian 1: kyle isnt here

Perfume has added kyle to ‘disaster gays + 1 het’

Perfume: all in favor for blaming it on kyle?

Lesbian 2: i

Lesbian 1: i

bow: i

glitter sparklez: i

furry: i

Pidge: i

Elsa: i

Kyle: huh? Oh come on


	6. poor snek

Usernames so you guys don’t get confused  
a(dora): Adora  
glitter sparklez: Glimmer  
bow: Bow  
furry: Catra  
lesbian 1: netossa  
lesbian 2: spineralla  
Perfume: perfuma  
pidge: Entrapta  
Elsa: frosta  
Kyle: kyle

Perfume: oh my GOD

Perfume: my grandma just bought my grandad some new pants and she asked how they fitted and he replies with “it's like a cheaply made castle” and we were like what and he says “no ballroom” 

Perfume: GRANDPA NO

pidge: grandpa yEs

glitter sparklez: grandpa for president

a(dora): your grandpa is my will to live

furry: adora we talked about this

a(dora): sorry

bow: imagine going to that jungle near bright moon for spring break lmao

glitter sparkles: you want to go don't you

bow: you know me so well

Lesbian 2: isnt it dangerous?

bow: yes

Lesbian 2: understandable, have a nice day

a(dora): id just eat all of the fruit

furry: id accidently start a forest fire

Lesbian 1: spinerella would try and body slam a snake

Lesbian 2: yeah well netossa would get adopted into a family of apes

glitter sparklez: i'd make a fire using my mixtape

bow: i'd be sitting there being impressed by glimmer’s talent

Perfume: and id drag all of your asses back to school so you can get back in sCHOOL-

Lesbian 2: i feel like perfuma would just bolt up in bed and hiss “c a t r a” and turn around and find catra outside trying to deepthroat a snek

a(dora): the poor snek

glitter sparklez: perfume has developed a sixth sense for when any of us does any dumb shit

Perfume: i really can't catra break

furry: did

furry: did you just use my name as a pun

Perfume: yes i did

glitter sparklez: perfume used to be so sweet and now she's just so done with everyone

a(dora): you seriously have no idea how much will power i have left from trying not to laugh at the dumb stuff perfume says in class

furry: in our graphics class some douchbag was being a dick to the teacher and perfume leans over to me and says “hes the type of person to use the same condom twice” and i fucking broke my pencil in two

a(dora): i love perfuma so much oml

furry: you do?

a(dora): well duh, she's one of my closest friends!

perfume: jealous hm?

furry: fuck off


	7. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had this chapter sitting in my computer for like 4 months because I thought it was already published I'm sorry

Usernames so you guys don’t get confused  
a(dora): Adora  
glitter sparklez: Glimmer  
bow: Bow  
furry: Catra  
lesbian 1: netossa  
lesbian 2: spineralla  
Perfume: perfuma  
pidge: Entrapta  
Elsa: frosta  
Kyle: kyle

bow: can somebody stop catra and glimmerss arguing please?

Perfume: its making my ears bleed

kyle: what are they arguing about?

pidge: some pokemon shit

bow: if bulbasour is better than charizard

glitter sparklez: picking bulbasour is a JOKE

furry: i knew you’d say that you DUMB HORSE

furry: YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A JOKE? PICKING CHARIZARD. HE WAS THE WORST STARTER BY FUCKING SCIENCE. ITS IN THE FACTS HUNNY

furry: IT WAS OFFICALLY RANKED THE WORST BY PRO ANALYSES ARTICLES. IT WAS NEVER EVEN MENTIONED BY THE CREATORS WHEN ASKED IN AN INTERVIEW ABOUT THE BEST STARTERS. IT WAS CRAP IN META UNTIL 2013 WHEN THEY GAVE IT A MEGA EVOLUTION

furry: SMOGEN EVEN USED TO NOT RECCOMEND IT. WHILE VENUSAUR IS OU SINCE GEN 2 AND ARGUABLY THE BEST COMPETITIVELY OUT OF THE 3 GEN 1. IT REACHED UBER IN GEN V

furry: AND TO THIS VERY DAY ITS STILL AT THE TOP OF THE GRASS STARTER POKEMON IN BOTH NORMAL AND MEGA EVOLUTIONS CATEGORIES IN METAGAME

furry: YOU WANT ANOTHER JOKE?

furry: YOU AFTER MAKING THAT STUPID ASSUMPTION

glitter sparklez: I-

a(dora): …

bow: do you see what i mean

pidge: glimmer: 0  
catra: 1

Lesbian 1: wow i never knew catra was such a die hard pokemon fan

a(dora): shes been obessed with it ever since she was a kid

furry: my pokemon phase is the only phase i will ever be proud of

a(dora): what about your ‘rebel’ phase?

furry: o h g o d

bow: rebel phase?

a(dora): catra used to try and fight literally anytine and anything

a(dora): one time she came to my house covered in feathers and scratches and just said simply “t h e e a g l e s w o n” and my dad thought she was talking about rugby

Lesbian 1: oml

Lesbian 2: thats beautiful

furry: shush

furry: that was a great defeat


	8. christmas uwu

Usernames so you guys don’t get confused  
a(dora): Adora  
glitter sparklez: Glimmer  
bow: Bow  
furry: Catra  
lesbian 1: netossa  
lesbian 2: spineralla  
Perfume: perfuma  
pidge: Entrapta  
Elsa: frosta  
Kyle: kyle

furry: its so fucking hot

furry: can someone break a window please

Elsa: you could just open it

furry: nah

Elsa: please don't break a window

glitter sparklez: guESS WHAT BITCHES

furry: w h a t 

Bow: hm?

a(dora): Yes Glimmer?

Glitter sparklez: i t s c h r i s t m a s s e a s o n b i t c h

Elsa: yay!

Glitter sparklez: i even made catra put up the christmas tree! I can and will infect everyone around me with christmas spirit and nobody can stop me

a(dora): let's do something for christmas!

Bow: oooh lets have a christmas themed sleepover :D

Glitter sparklez: YES

Furry: huh

a(dora): lets get matching christmas pajamas!

Furry: wait what

Glitter sparklez: yes!

Lesbian 1: could we join?

Glitter sparklez: ofc!

Bow: alright get in losers we’re driving around the rich neighbourhoods and looking at their pretty christmas lights

Furry: i never agreed to this

a(dora): oh come on catra, it’ll be fun

Furry: I wholeheartedly agree.

Glitter sparklez: we can go ice skating!!

Bow: ive always wanted to go ice skating!

Lesbian 2: we could also bake christmas cookies if you’d like to, I was going to make them with just netossa but we’d love to make them with everyone

Glitter sparklez: y e s

Glitter sparklez: we can have it in me and catra’s apartment!

Furry: hang on i need to remove my adora shrine first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhh this chapter is choppy and unfunny


End file.
